Today 2:1

And I went on. I went on remembering the pain and dismissing any need for attachment in what I had. Always looking outside. I didn’t want to believe that I was in charge, I felt like my purpose was something greater than I could see and it was my heart that would lead me there. It’s been many years since then, not so very many, but enough that I know I was a child then. I never learned how to love someone else. I thought it just happens like magic. And in a way it does, the way I think about it now though is that it is my choice to cast the spells.
Throughout the years I have kept the scar of my first love as my confidant. Of course he and I reconnected, there are some bonds that people share where it takes a great deal to keep them apart. When I asked him years later what or why it happened he could only say he loved me. What took us apart at first was the distance, living on opposite sides of the continent, he moved away with his family, and I left home as well. When he came back I was gone. And in the end, his death two years ago. Nothing is ever timed right I guess. And it was too late when I learned not to look at that scar anymore. Did his death grip me and remind me of the fear of the pain or did it free me and allow me to see that I can truly love?
It did both. I knew love then at that time, during that summer after he passed I developed deeper a beautiful relationship with a friend who I had know for a bit of time. We became close. There was nothing or no one that I had known to compare this man to. I loved him, I still now love him and he felt the same for me. Does he still? Only time will tell but I believe in it. It was nearly two years ago i made the decision to close the door between us, I was so scared. I thought at first my fear was me hurting him and that I was shameful and undeserving of a love as his. I also think now I was just or more afraid of being hurt myself. So selfish.
It’s been a while now, we continued to reconnect. The feelings for me got stronger each time, too strong that they came running, rushing out of me. There is no denial or hiding now.
Now..I’m such a mess, I’ve made so many mistakes since then, my web is more than tangles, it’s a knot. Sometimes it takes fire.

By honeyrangler Posted in journal

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