Sleepless

I’ve tried everything except following my heart. I’ve tried to be right and fair and to do what is accepted by others. Ive tried and it feels wrong. I am enslaving those who want to keep me by allowing it to happen. I’ve drawn a line but it hasn’t been thick or clear enough. Where I went wrong was listening to others. Everyone has their own views, none of us really understands another. If I am not to live my life by grasping onto feelings, trying to explore and understand them… How then should I do it? Follow someone else’s rules and views on what is right for me to do?
When I dream I feel connected. They say that dreams can be your subconscious releasing itself. What is it then that I am subconsciously connected to? I don’t feel it when I’m awake, I feel it halfway when we speak but it has yet to be allowed to come to fruition. When it does, let it last, we will make it last.
I had a dream last night and it was so mundane, nothing unusual or dream like except that we were together, talking and being close. I know that those feelings and that connection is where my heart leads and I am so restless.

Ad Astra

Every moment I am holding myself back.
If I try to let go it runs out of control and takes ahold of me instead
So I hold on so tight and kiss it goodnight as I weep softly

Is it right to turn away, betray my love and betray my heart?

time here all but means nothing, just shadows that move across the wall. They keep me company, but the don’t ask of me. They don’t say nothing at all.

It’s been days but it’s been years. I keep looking to the door as if any moment you would walk through, but I’m so lost how could you ever find me?

How long do I have to live this lie? Is this punishment for what I’ve done? Retribution for walking away? I don’t know how to do this, pretending is one thing when I can tell you I love you. But that was wrong too, that’s why it exploded inside me. What is right? What is wrong? This silence and distance will tear me apart. I cannot let go, I don’t want to.

The more I think of it and realize the situation the more frustrated i become. I feel caged and chained. I feel as if I am being forced to desecrate what is holy to me. It sounds do dramatic but this is the storm that is inside me.

I’ve lied to cover up the lies, I’ve told the truth only to have it used against me. I am admitting my heart over and over but it makes no difference. I want this to end but keep getting pulled back, i am told how wrong i am to do so, i am heartless and cold, i am a child, a thief, i owe myself for the pain ive caused. What of myself do I really owe anyone?

Everything around me is dark, I am like a foreigner wandering and lost. How could you love me for what I have done, how can I ask of you the things I do? I want more than I should ever ask for.
I will write to you, I will sing to you, I will love you.