Cyber java

I go to the same place for lunch everyday. Sometimes i stay at work if i make something the night before but usually I go to the cyber java cafe. The name is deceiving, it’s a very small deli that specializes in Greek gyros but they make simple sandwiches and burgers, yummy tacos and stuff like that. He has free wifi in here, hence the cyber… They have a little espresso machine, hence the java. Personally, I love it here, the little tv mounted on the wall seems to be always playing ‘days of our lives’ I sit next to the window, tea costs 50 cents and what ever you order is delicious. They get really busy for lunch but I come at 1pm and am usually the only one in here. They know my name and what I like to eat. All the food is served on flimsy paper plates that basically overflow with food. This place really makes me happy 🙂

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Today

I am absolutely convinced that pandora radio can read my mind.
I get to work, close down the app for a fresh start, open it up saying… “Want to hear ‘hold on’ want to hear ‘hold on'”
And pandoras like… “Ok, well how about ‘hold on’ live, some Etta James (which I never play) and then that one song that reminds you of everything you love. I know it’s Monday but… /hearts”

love is lightning
Love is ice
It only strikes the lucky twice
Once so you will know the price
And once for crazy faith

I woke up this morning from a deep dream, I didn’t know what was real… And although I always dream so vividly and deep, I am never that disoriented. I forgot for that brief moment the pain, the distance and the confusion. A moment of escape from the feeling of just wanting to run. I am just waiting for the day I don’t have to run because when I open my arms to the wind there are no chains to keep me from flying.

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Today

Today I feel like giving in. I don’t know if writing like this is helpful or hurtful. I know it’s a lot more expressive than 🙂 or 😦
I’ve always had trouble expressing how I feel to people but now it is different. Well not always, recently. When I was younger, I was more uninhibited, I would write songs and poetry all the time with no fear of judgement. Now I feel like I keep so much hidden. I don’t want to hide anything. I’m writing these entries for myself, for someone else too but I’m not hiding anything. This is my diary but the whole world can see for all I care.
I also have been doing video blogs or “vlogs” … All these words sound so silly! Sometimes I wonder if this is really who I am or if I feel so trapped that I am acting this out.
I think it’s who I really am. I want to be heard and be seen and to share who I am through stories and songs, even my trivial happiness and sorrows.

Always

If it takes my whole life
I won’t break, I won’t bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You’ll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight
-Sarah mclachlan

I wish I could write songs like this. I heard her say once that it’s not easy for her, songs never come easy. she is by far my favorite songwriter. Always so passionate and true to love. It makes me hurt and cry and and at the same time makes me hopefully as if there will be a fulfillment to my own longing.

It used to be so much easier for me to write, everything came out naturally because I wasn’t afraid.